Saturday, April 22, 2006

Hyperventilating in the toy aisle

First, an apology. I wrote this lovely post last week but didn't actually post it. Oops. So, sorry for the long space between postings.

I am now in the middle of my 17th week and it looks like I may, finally, be wandering away from morning sickness. Apparently sacrificing a goat was just what the doctor ordered. As I have started to notice that there is a world beyond my gastrointestinal system, it's begun to dawn on me that we are almost halfway to having a baby actually in our house. So, when my husband needed to hit Home Depot, I decided to check out the baby section at Target. Shortly thereafter the hyperventilating began. How can there possibly be so many variations of the same thing? I came the the conclusion that there was no way I could navigate strollers or sleep "systems" without a sherpa and large amounts of dark chocolate. So, over to the cute little toiletries section I went. I was immediately struck by the thermometer conundrum. I have heard rumor that the ear thermometers are less than accurate but, I seriously doubt that I will ever pull off the entire heiny temperature taking thing. I was encouraged by the existence of the pacifier/thermometer but thought that there must be something up with it since there was only one version of the pacifier kind while there were a bevy of options for the ear and heiny thermometers. The only thing I left feeling confident about was that I did not want a diaper genie.

In other news, it looks like I'll be having a c-section for several reasons I don't really want to go into and I had my first experience with real maternal guilt. I won't be able to feed the baby for a few hours after the surgery. I understand that they do have bottles and what not that they can give to the baby if the baby is desperate. I understand that my husband will be with the baby the entire time. I even understand that they have cute little blankets and hats and that my little darling will not just be placed on a rock to await my recovery. But, I'm totally stuck on the whole "Ack! I will introduce this child to the cold cruel world and the baby will be hungry and I will be napping! Ack!" Interestingly, I have yet to encounter a baby book with a page for "Mommy's first guilt ridden panic attack at 3 am."

I have noticed that now that I can actually sleep long enough to get to REM sleep and not have to hop up to pee, puke, contemplate if that cramp might indicate a miscarriage, or any other of the wonders of the first trimester (or first and some change, in my case) I am having really weird but vivid dreams. The other night I was in prison and wearing a mask like Jason wears and I was hosing off other inmates. I was really glad I was wearing the mask because I was in a men's prison and I didn't want them to know I was a woman. Then I was released from prison and was a pregnant nun (no, I didn't get pregnant in prison- just a magic dream pregnancy). But, I didn't want people to know I was pregnant (all about the secrecy in my dream life). So, this other lady was pregnant and somehow I passed my baby off as hers and then raised my child (a girl) in the dungeons of the Nunnery where she grew blonde hair, was brilliant and spoke french. So, anywho...

In a completely unrelated note: Am I the only one who is completely dying to see both Stick It and that movie about the English town that starts making shoes for transvestite?

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