Friday, January 27, 2006

The sleepy truck

Every day the “sleepy truck” hits me. Suddenly there is this overwhelming desire to be horizontal. Doing anything even mildly productive is a struggle. My mind goes sleepy, my mouth goes sleepy, and I can sometimes manage to still follow the plot of television shows if I really concentrate. It’s this 1.5 to 3 hour period where my only priority seems to be support this little jelly bean and her needs. It seems to be getting a little better and I can feel myself adapting to this new metabolism every day. I am so incredibly grateful that I don’t have to go to work every day. I have no idea how women do it. In theory and limited experience, I know it is possible for life to continue through “sleepy truck time” but it is a definite struggle in will power. And I do know that if you can just manage to muddle through, by 4pm you can do things again and think and be productive but still… Maybe sleepy time comes at a more convenient time for other women. I must say that knowing that I’ll “lose” at least 1.5 hours anywhere between 12 and 3pm is less than conducive to life, as I formerly knew it. At the same time, as pregnancy complaints go, this really isn’t bad and I suppose I should just start getting used to change…

Sunday, January 22, 2006


I may be the most paranoid expectant mother alive. I hate the damn cramping. No one tells you about the cramping ahead of time. Well, here's a heads up, when you first get pregnant, you could swear you're about to have your period. All the books say it’s fine and normal. But it totally doesn’t feel fine or normal.

I worry that something is wrong and I’ll miss it and somehow it will lead to losing the baby.

I worry every time I cough or sneeze and being pregnant in January isn’t really conducive to not coughing or sneezing. I worry that I’ll twist wrong, stop suddenly at a stop light, or put my beagle on the bed and lose the baby. I keep telling myself that women used to have no idea that they were pregnant at this point and went about their day and everything was fine. I remind myself that women used to do (and still do) heavy labor up to the birth of the baby and everything was fine. I remind myself that the whole process must work a little better than I’m giving it credit for or we would never manage to have babies.

I worry that it was too easy for me to get pregnant. I talked to my mom and it turns out I come from quite fertile stock. There are “accidents” on both sides of my family through the last 2 generations. And, as far as she knows, there haven’t been any miscarriages. At the same time, it seems that pregnancy makes me superstitious. It was just too easy thus I must be extra vigilant.

My obstetrician is a very nice man who was happy to order tests for my thyroid and do a serum pregnancy test since I was convinced I must have done something wrong with the 2 (!) positive pregnancy tests and I had just somehow missed the occurrence of my period and the weeping and hunger and thirst were just coincidental. It turns out my thyroid levels were a little off so he modified my medication and plans to retest at my 1st appointment. At the same time, this “see me in 4 ½ weeks” has me worried as well. It is a concrete way of knowing that until then there is very little medical science can offer to help me keep this baby healthy. I know that his desire to see me at 8 ½ weeks is directly linked to the fact that he can then get a good ultrasound and idea of how far, exactly, I am along and not to do with what he can or can’t do to help the baby. But there is still this underlying idea that it’s all up to God and fate and which way the wind blows for this first few weeks.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Test

I took the pregnancy test on a lark. I was impatient to do my errands and sick of running to the bathroom to see if my monthly guest had arrived and finally decided that since we had to buy the multipacks I might as well take a test. I thought that it would be good to familarize myself with the procedure so I could do more research before the “real deal” in some future month.

There were 2 lines.

I thought it was neat to see the progress of the top blue line appear and watched it only to suddenly realize that there seemed to be another one coming up too. So, I took another. It was 1:15 in the afternoon. My urine wasn’t concentrated and it was only the 1st day of my missed period. I wasn’t supposed to be able to test positive even if I was pregnant.

I got 2 lines again.

That was when the mild panic set in. Fortunately the receptionist at the ob’s office seemed accustomed women babbling slightly incoherently about “2 lines.”

This was very much a planned pregnancy but we assumed it would take more than 1 month. I had always been extremely irregular with a lot of discomfort so I was placed on the pill when I was 18. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism which could have been the source of the problem. At any rate, when I went off the pill in October I was suddenly as regular as clockwork without any hormonal help. In fact, it was perhaps the least annoying the whole process had ever been. For various reasons we didn’t actually start trying until my last cycle. And, apparently, 1 cycle is all it took.

I had girded my loins for months of trying. I had fallen in love with the idea of a “Halloween baby.” To be pregnant now is rather a shock. I am completely happy that I am pregnant and that it happened so quickly but at the same time there is a feeling of “eek.” I wasn’t quite ready for it to happen quite so soon. Although, I may have said the same thing if I was pregnant next month. I have to wonder if any woman is ever totally ready for her first pregnancy. You go from being responsible for you to responsible for this other person in an instant. Suddenly, you are the mommy. You just have to be a little scared.