Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I think I might be a bitch...

or, at least quite assertive. I belong to a pregnancy message board where I keep reading about these women who have husbands that want to go off for ages doing all sorts of things- watch football games, go hunting, skateboarding, etc, etc. While that by itself isn't a huge deal, I'm always taken aback by the rest of the story. The dad's are also working long hours, often nights and weekends, the wife is pregnant with a tiny one already, this is the 3rd time this month, this was the 1st time they were to see their child awake in a week, and so on. I'm of the opinion that I don't really care what my husband wants to do outside of family obligations, he helped make this family so he can help care for it. This doesn't mean that he doesn't do things he enjoys or that I don't, for that matter, although we could both use a little more time to devote to them. I very much understand the importance of taking time for yourself. But, when you go into parenthood it should be with the implicit understanding that sometimes it will suck. You will have to miss sleep and outings with friends and hobbies may take a beating. It also comes with the understanding that just because I'm The Mommy, I'm not the default caregiver and I'm certainly not the default caregiver of my husband. These men are demanding special meals at special times while the mom is trying to juggle a crying baby's needs and morning sickness. My husband has been offered anything he would like to eat over the last month or two, as long as he fixed it. When he travels a lot, if I don't get to the laundry and he needs a clean shirt or whatever for his next trip, he knows he can do a load himself. When he started getting very martyred about the extra work he's being taking on while I was in the 'must sleep now' stage of pregnancy, I told him to grow up and get some perspective. I was quite effusive with my appreciative praise but I also wasn't going to cry him a river over 6 loads of laundry and 4 grocery runs over a 4 week period. I just lost some of my ability to pity when I reached my 3rd really nasty diaper of the day, requiring me to have a puke bag out and ready to go before even taking off Charlie's onsie. My husband does help more than some but less than others. I find it hard to not feel guilty about the whole thing though when I hear about these women slogging through motherhood, in effect, on their own and I can't decide if I'm just a demanding bitch or they're push-overs or if it's all some fuzzy thing in the middle. I'm so glad that Mommy-guilt can manage to creep into every aspect of your life...

3 comments:

Skyzi said...

They are push overs and you are a smartie!

Medley said...

Those do not sound like modern, mature relationships, to me, but not everyone wants a modern, mature relationship, I guess.

RA said...

I have been thinking the same thing, reading the same posts. I also hear it from a former coworker who has one of these, shall we say, less than helpful husbands. I told her to tell him that Dad's in the 21st century change diapers, give kisses, hug their babies and help around the house. Acting the way he does did not make him a big man, it makes him a loser.

*can I just brag that my husband is a SAHD and cooks dinner for me every night and coos and goos and makes baby faces and changes CLOTH DIAPERS all day long*