The Hazing Process

So, a number of things have come together that just make me mad. So, this is basically a rant but, hopefully, it is a productive one...

I have noticed that there seems to be a mommy hazing process or at least the belief that there should be one among our mother's generation, at least from my perspective. My most recent run-in with this was in a meeting last night. I have been a member of a group of wives and mothers of faculty at my husband's university. It's starting to seriously die out and a big part of the reason is that they are still doing things almost exactly the way they have always been done. The new President called me and asked if I would help in her efforts to revamp things so that the group would be more appealing to the younger set. What I didn't realize was that by "younger set" she actually meant women between 50 and 60. I tried to point out that most of the efforts she was planning on making wouldn't actually appeal to women of my age but I failed miserably. That's a whole other post. Anyway, one thing that came up was that I said that women with young children would enjoy x,y, or z but that she would need to take steps to find someone without the young children to spearhead the effort because young mothers just didn't have that kind of time, especially for a group that they aren't already attached to. I then heard the old refrain that I hear from many of her generation "But we did it." I had to bit my tongue to prevent a sarcastic response.

I have heard many permutations of this. Our church's children's ministries are desperate for more help mostly because a number of families have children spread in ages leaving them stretched thin when they volunteer for all the groups. At a church picnic, I was listening to a woman discuss how much she missed her grandchildren and I pointed out that the nursery really needed "rockers" and perhaps that would help fill the gap she replied that it was really up to the parents of the infants. I've gotten similar responses from several other grandmothers woeful over their lack of baby time. My mother tends to go on about how hard it was for her when I ask if she could come to help while my husband travels. In my MOPS group, there are older women who are to act in a advisory capacity to the younger mothers. When we had a childcare crisis one morning, not a one volunteered to help watch the children so that more mothers (who were the actual target audience) could attend the program. The list goes on and seems to stretch to other areas as well. When I was in teacher training, the older teachers worked the student teachers to the brink of exhaustion while somewhat younger supervising teachers offered a gentler experience. The older teachers would repeatedly speak of how hard it was when they student taught. The medical community is only just now rethinking if it is wise to treat their residents as they do, even if it was how they did it when they were residents. I was listening to an interview wit the editor of Mothering Magazine and she was talking about how hard it was for them to live a natural lifestyle in the 70s and how now you don't have to be as committed to get organic foods or whatnot with a clear implication that this was a great downward trend.

Back to the point...

It seems like women who became mothers in the 70s and 80s feel that just because it was hard for them, it should be hard for everyone. It's as if they feel that there is to be a trial of fire, a hazing, a massive slog and any assistance is verboten. The thing is that they made their beds. They rejected the previous generation (with some merit) and wanted to do it differently. These women were going to do it all with ease. They would be supermoms. It's like an entire generation that is stuck in the teen rebellion stage of development. Slightly younger women seem happy to offer all manner of assistance. Offers from women to help with Charlie while my husband is out of town almost always come from this younger crowd. The helpful hand holding the door while I struggle with the stroller is from this group. The kind smiles in the grocery store as Charlie melts down- from the mothers of the 90s. I'm not clear if it's generational or if they just don't remember. I find it so frustrating. This is a group of women who are so perfectly poised to make things just a little bit better but won't. I sincerely hope that when I am out of the haze of rearing the very young, I will remember to lend a hand to those still struggling up the ladder rather than icing the rungs...