Friday, April 13, 2007

I Might Be A Bad Mother...

1. My kitchen currently smells vaguely of mildew and I haven't cleaned under the microwave for long enough that I am now slightly afraid to lift it and clean under it. I am reasonably confident that the load of kitchen towels and dishrags and a dollop of Clorox will fix the smell. The microwave will have to wait until my MIL is coming to visit...

2. I have never vacuumed or otherwise cleaned my refrigerator coils. I honestly don't even quite know where they are or what they might look like.

3. I am still breastfeeding, in part, to loose those pesky 5 pounds. At times, this is a far stronger motivator for waking for the 3 am feeding than any benefit I might be giving Charlie.

4. I totally let the dogs sniff Charlie and there has been an occasional lick.

5. Today I let Charlie gnaw on the rocking chair's bottom rung (which has never been cleaned to my knowledge) because a) he had worked so damn hard to get to it and b) I really wanted to finish drinking my Spr*te.

6. My version of "Hush, Little Baby" can get decidedly ribald.

7. I wind up sometimes watching the clock and not the child because Charlie can occasionally thwart even the best observer in terms of his "sleepy window" and once it's past there's hell to pay.

8. I occasionally let Charlie gnaw on my empty plastic drink bottles even though they probably contain all manner of evil plasticness.

9. On the rare occasions that Charlie naps, I never actually do anything productive. I always take "me time"- in fact you can tell how well Charlie has been napping in direct relation to how often I post and comment on other blogs.

10. There have been days that I just can't stomach another 45 minutes of screaming baby and rocking chair and give up on the nap and play. I am well aware that this sets a bad precedent and that I will have a cranky baby in another 45 minutes but sometimes I just don't care.

11. I am going to drink caffeine during my next pregnancy. I miss iced tea with an unholy passion. I will keep it in moderation and continue to autoclave my luncheon meat but I will drink me an occasional tea, maybe even a coke!

12. I have, on a number of occasions, lied to Fertility Friend about when I took my temperature. This is, in part, because I have irrational fear that it will suddenly stop accepting my temperatures or send me a nasty note or something for not getting up at the same time every day. I'm usually within 30 minutes or so of when I said I took it but I still feel all scandalous about it. Ok, so, that doesn't actually have anything to do with my parenting. And, no, we're not "trying," I just want to know when I should expect a visit from the Bloody Barron.


13. I let Charlie drink juice. Someday I may even let him drink undiluted juice! We walk on the edge!


Skyzi said...

I totally bought that "breastfeed to lose weight" concept.....still waiting for it to kick in!

Anne said...

BAHAHAHAAAA! Excellent list! And yes to the caffeine. I stopped somewhat with #1 but drank the hell out of tea or coffee and or soda during #2 and #3. The result so far? no probs (knock on wood). Sweet tea is the bees knees.

Mrs. Flinger said...

Oh, if only I KEPT a list. Right now I'm plotting how to go MAKE my child nap. MAKE her.

I won't keep a list. It's too long.

(Cracked me up with the breastfeeding one and the juice one. So. Totally. Here. Too.)