Naps and the Women Who Love Them

We decided to drop Charlie's nap last week. It was, by far, the most stressful part of the day for all involved. Charlie clearly still needed the sleep but getting him to admit that was a feat beyond imagining. So, we now pile in the stroller at 1ish every day instead. Charlie generally sleeps for at least a little while. Megan is a crap shoot. Today she actually fell asleep in the car and then slept through the walk. Other days haven't gone so smoothly. While it's nice to get in some exercise for me, I'm really missing that nap. I really think divine intervention occurred near the end of my pregnancy. For the last month of my pregnancy and the first week or so that Megan was home, Charlie napped like a champ. He went down with little fuss and would sleep for 2 hours, sometimes even more, and then he would still sleep at night. It was nothing short of miraculous. We are putting him down an hour earlier and the extra time will be nice once Megan gets past the peak fussiness stage and starts developing some organized sleep. But, nap time was when I re-charged, wrote blog posts, checked e-mail, and otherwise got the down-time you desperately need when facing a day with Charlie. I loved my naps.

4 Things

1. Sometimes motherhood sucks

2. Some days, my biggest parenting achievement will be not spanking my toddler

3. Never go to the grocery store with a newborn (cranky) and toddler (cheerful but energetic) who need you to go as efficiently as possible on senior discount day

4. Always be sure to keep 2 chocolate sources in the house at all costs

New Motherhood

So far, things are continuing to progress in a reasonable fashion. Last night was rocky. There is at least some possibility that Megan has colic which is a pain but if there is one thing I got good at during Charlie's early months, it was waiting out a crying baby. I can sing, pat, and bounce with the best of them and colic has the saving grace of generally ending by about 4 months. I'm still hopeful that it's a gas issue due to a rather overabundant supply and way too much lentil soup on my part but we'll see what happens over the next week. I know that by this time with Charlie, I had called my mother in hysterical tears to beg for help. A week of nights like last night might have that effect but I think we can struggle through for now. I suspect a large part of the problem was that she was too gassy to do her usual cluster feed before her long stretch so the cluster feed got moved to between midnight and 4 am- less than desirable for all involved. If she's anything like Charlie we'll be looking at least a day or so to get back on track, unless it's colic and then we're looking at another 3-4 months at which point we'll get to embark on teething!

I had forgotten how much of new motherhood involved being smelly. Between the hot flashes, spit up, and projectile poo, I'm not sure 2 showers a day is really adequate.

Charlie is becoming happier as his routine is coming back into play. The c-section took me out of commission for 2 weeks for all but the most sedentary of Charlie activities and the parade of relatives who came to help, threw him as well. Yesterday was our first solo morning and you could see his little body relax as we went about our usual morning routine of errands, lunch, and play time. The tantrums that had been at least an hourly occurrence eased back and I can only hope that the trend continues. He did get very distressed in the car when Megan was crying (she needed to go to sleep but hadn't quite managed yet) but calmed down as Megan did. I was heartened to see compassion on the part of my young toddler. Although, I do hope that we won't have many tandem crying sessions- that is the road to madness.

Nursing Drama

So far, it seems that Megan really is a bit of a sleeper. I'm not willing to totally buy it until I'm completely off codine but she is currently about a million times easier to care for than I remember Charlie being.

She tends to nurse fairly quickly and efficiently during the day for 15 minutes or so and then goes to sleep for another 3 hours. In the late evening she will cluster feed for a good hour or hour and a half but then sleeps for 4-5 hours, nurses in a highly focused manner for 10-15 minutes and then goes back down for another 3-4 hours. This might be slightly less than accurate (re:codine) but is what my muzzy brain remembers. Last night and today have been a bit different but I think we may have hit the 7 day growth spurt. This nursing pattern is a bit on the unusual side for a newborn (and is vastly different from Charlie's clockwork 45 minute session starting every hour and a half around the clock) and caused a bit of drama at the hospital where they really don't like them to go much more than 2-3 hours at the outside. Megan has strong feelings about when she would like to sleep and when she would like to eat and does not appreciate attempts to mold her to your will. But, since she was making plenty of wet and poopies and appeared quite healthy and happy the nurses didn't really push it on the whole. I also got a lot of ground from having nursed Charlie for 14 months- including through my 1st trimester. The nurses seemed to feel that this was plenty sufficient to ensure my nursing competence. The pediatricians were a different story.

We had to use the on-call practice because our family physician doesn't do hospital rounds for newborns. We also did this with Charlie and liked the doctors reasonably well and since it's only for a few days it didn't seem like a big deal. This time was different. Starting with the 1st visit, less than 12 hours after Megan was born, I started getting told to consider supplementing because Megan was such a big baby. The first pediatrician made the argument that I wouldn't ever be able to get any rest because it would be such a struggle to feed her. Instead, we should make liberal use of the night nursery and allow for supplements from the start. There were so many things wrong with this argument, I was stunned. How did she ever expect my supply to catch up if I was supplementing from the start? In addition, there were simply no indicators that there even was a problem and, while 9 2, is on the larger size, considering that one woman can nurse multiples or tandem nurse siblings, the assumption that one newborn is beyond the capacity of a woman who never even fully lost her milk from her previous nursing stint, was just dumb. I was of the impression that most new parents understood that sleep deprivation is part and parcel of new parenthood.

Things continued to go downhill as she dropped weight every day. The hospital flagged 8 6 as being the point of concern (although it isn't actually the 10% mark) and she hit 8 5 on Tuesday morning. Since this was also the day of discharge, the pediatrician (a different one) decided that he needed to be as dour as possible, telling tales of readmission and droopy, dehydrated babies needing IVs. The dreaded supplements were brought up again (for the 3rd time). The thing is that while 8 5 was a fairly steep drop, it didn't appear that the pediatrician actually looked at any other health indicators. Megan routinely nursed to the point of falling off the nipple, falling asleep contentedly or having a brief and happy awake period. She showed no signs of the fussy or listless behavior that come with an infant who isn't getting enough milk. I showed signs that my milk was coming in that morning. Her poop was rapidly shifting from merconium. There were plenty of wet diapers. She showed no signs of jaundice and her blood sugar (checked several times of the first 36 hours as a matter of course for babies over 9 pounds) was wonderfully stable. The daily visits from the lactation consultants were brief and positive. As far as I can tell, the only thing the pedi looked at was weight. He didn't even bother to ask me about how nursing was going, my milk coming in, etc. He said he would send in the lactation consultant to talk to me about supplementing, helpfully adding that she didn't need to go directly to the bottle, instead we could look at finger feeding and cups. This still didn't really fix the issue of the best way to increase supply being to nurse more and, as she was apparently starving before my eyes, she should be more than happy to nurse, right? Of course, every time I had tried to increase her nursing frequency, I was met by hours of frustration and tears on both our parts but I figured we could work around that somehow.

After he left I just started sobbing (no mean feat for a woman who just had abdominal surgery). As far as I could tell my baby was happy and healthy with just my milk and supplementing was the last thing I wanted. I was already quite disappointed about not being able to deliver vaginally (more to come later but I'm not ready to "talk" about it yet). The idea that my body would fail again was quite upsetting. Particularly as I just didn't see it. Luckily, the lactation consultant was able to observe a nursing session right after she came in and agreed with me that Megan seemed completely fine and that my milk was already starting to come in. I was encourage to simply continue on the current course, go to our doctor for a weight check the next day and was told to write plenty on the evaluation form I was given that would go to the nursing supervisor. We took Megan to our doctor on Wednesday and she was actually down a few more ounces but our regular doctor wasn't at all concerned. Megan continued to look healthy and happy and her weight was far from being at a concerning level. She said we could bring Megan back early this week for another weight check if we wanted but she felt the 2 week appointment would be plenty soon enough for her.

I don't know why she wound up dropping so much weight. I have a few theories. She got rid of almost all of her merconium on the first day which had to account for a least a couple of ounces. I had a good hunk of water weight gain in the last week or so of my pregnancy and she may have gained with that as well. On a less logical note, I wonder if there was a reason that she did wind up so very unexpectedly big so that I would need a c-section. God does work in mysterious ways and all indicators flatly contradicted my growing a 9 pound baby. I am so beyond thankful that I somehow managed to have a relatively easy recovery that allowed me the option to go home on Tuesday. I shudder to think what would have happened if Megan had stayed in the care of those pediatricians another day, knowing she went down a few more ounces. I am also so thankful that I had a strong confidence in my ability to breastfeed as well as plenty of factual knowledge to back up my instincts. I really worry about the poor, first time mother who would be in a similar situation. The advice I was given would set her up for failure and oodles of unnecessary stress. I'm somewhat hopeful that the lactation consultants are now aware of an unfortunate tendency by this practice and will act to alleviate it's effects.

Megan!

Megan Mac... arrived at 2:51 am on Sunday, May 18th. She weighed 9 pounds 2 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. Labor was very, very long with many unexpected difficulties. I finally wound up with a c-section under full anesthesia (courtesy of my epidural's hot spots). More to come later. Mommy and baby are both doing well but are both very, very tired.

So Sweet

We have a Roomba. It is a shining point of light in my life and a wonderful Mother's Day gift. Ask for one now.

Anyway, Charlie calls it the "uh-oh" because it bumps into things as it wanders about. I ran it in the kitchen last night and it finished up as he was taking a bath. He had been very concerned about it getting put away and had to be repeatedly reassured by his father that Mama would put the uh-oh away (which I did, right before his stories). My husband reported that the last thing Charlie said before drifting off to sleep was "Mama, oh-oh away," followed by a very content "Ya." It's good to know that I can bring some comforting order to his life even if I am the less favored (boring) parent at the moment.

Laughing

I am reasonably certain that my hospital bag started laughing at me this morning. It has sat, faithfully in the corner, for the last 2 weeks and is apparently getting bored...

In other news, Charlie is proving the world correct in their assertions that bad sleepers are gifted. His special gift lies in the world of teething. He seems to have already started like gangbusters on his 2 year molars 4 months early. I feel so blessed.

Charlie is also showing some really nice language development which is beyond cute. As of late, he will make various statements (such as "bye-bye pee-pee") for a good 10 minutes or so and the appropriate conversational response (obviously!) is to repeat his statement back to him so he can be sure you've properly deciphered it. If you get it right, you are rewarded by an emphatic "Ya." Apparently, my long buried Nordic ancestry is surfacing in my 19 month old. We've also started being treated with 4 word phrases, although the syntax is always an adventure- "Woo Woo don't touch eyes" ("don't touch the puppies eyes"). And, he's started to recount events that happened earlier in the day without me around. The other day he told me about how they blew bubbles in the nursery- mind, there is a lot of linguistic interpretation to figure out that "Ducksi, pop boo, boat" means Lexi blew bubbles that I could pop and I played with the boat but it does make my child development heart proud. And finally, Charlie's new favorite game with his father (who seems to focus a lot more on adverbs and counting than I do) is to claim he has 2 noses just to get his father to say "No, you have 1 nose." This is greeted with the ubiquitous emphatic "ya" and a big grin.

My husband and I think we may have figured out what the future holds for Charlie. We are reasonably sure he has a place waiting for him in the Mob. His favorite activities persist in being moving large objects and throwing things away. He's also a very social fellow so, of course, the obvious choice for someone with interests in moving services and refuse collection is the Mob. Now we just have to work on his actually liking pasta.

Ok, now that my 2 readers are bored beyond relief, I'm off to gestate.

Watched Pot

I am officially in the watched pot stage of pregnancy. There was a run to Labor and Delivery in which we found out that my cervix is still totally closed but is at least thinning and they even managed to register 1 contraction before it all came to a crashing halt with the internal exam. Apparently, your flight or fight response tends to kick in and you body feels that anywhere that involves people with cold hands and cold gel is really not the spot to have a baby. I felt fabulous yesterday and there was some activity of interest very early this morning and things looked somewhat hopeful but it all stopped by nap time. The thing that is really making it all much more difficult is the Charlie factor. I don't have the luxury of just puttering around waiting for something definitive to happen. By the time definitive things are happening, I'm in no shape to chase after a toddler. So, instead, every time my cervix hiccups, there is anxious analysis which really isn't conducive to either the relaxation the Sears family would like me to practice nor the acquisition of the "excited" stage Dr Bradley would like me to attain. I am growing so tired of having my husband (and others) inquire. I told my husband today that I would let him know, really I would. At which point, he told me he just liked to stay abreast of things. While I sympathise, I have to say that I think I am the one who would most like to know the when and where and I don't have a clue.

While I find it rather frustrating that Charlie came so unexpectedly early and this baby, while by no means late, is later than I would like, it really is working out fairly well. She apparently settled in the other day (I'm assuming this was why I had all those contractions and what not that send me to L and D) and I'm much more comfortable that I had been. The OB assured me that negative progress was usually not seen as my 1st assumption was that she had discovered how difficult getting out would be and decided to just un-drop and hang out for a while. It sort of nice to actually have time to finish up the projects that I had given up on. My husband is in the final sprint to the end of the semester and, while he's having to be home a bit more than optimal (there is only so much toddler wrangling you can do at 37 weeks), he's certainly getting more time at work than he would be getting otherwise. And, if she holds out for about another week, most of his major responsibilities will be over- not say he doesn't do any work over the summer but the really time sensitive stuff will be done. Also nice is all the cuddling with Charlie. The quality of my parenting has taken a steep dive over the last few weeks. Teletubbies and Sesame Street figure heavily into our routine now but this does lead to lots of snuggling on the couch, which is so sweet. Of course, there is the semi-constant dark cloud of "Good Lord, she's just getting bigger!" at this point but, eh, perhaps all this means she'll be a sleeper!

Jealousy...

First, yes, I am still gestating. I didn't get "checked" at my last appointment because I just didn't want to know- if he had said no change, I would have started sobbing and if he had said there was progress it would just get my hopes up. I have come to the conclusion that while this pregnancy was much easier overall, late pregnancy with a toddler is just bound to be unpleasant. My husband keeps being very concerned about me as he comes in and I'm in tears or moaning and groaning my way (not in a good way) through the night but I've told him that the general consensus seems to think this is par for the course. She's dropped (I'm pretty sure- the OB could feel her head at the exit so I'm thinking that's solid evidence) but I think she's started to stretch out some so the heartburn and what not is back. I asked if they ever changed their minds and went back up but the OB assured me that didn't generally happen. The plug has been wandering out in dribs and drabs for a couple of weeks now. There have been many twinges but they apparently aren't doing much productive. And, as far as I can tell (the pelvic pressure sort of makes it tricky) there has been very little in the way of contractions. It's actually better, in terms of logistics if she stays put for a bit longer but it's getting harder and harder for me to remember that.

Anyway, this brings me to my jealousy. I am so jealous of working moms right now. Admittedly, it's a select segment of working moms. I'm specifically jealous of those with office jobs involving cushioned chairs and peeing whenever they need to. I'm also jealous of those that are going ahead and starting their maternity leave a week or so early but keeping their children that were considerate enough to leave the womb in a timely manner in daycare. My husband has been wonderful. He is staying home later in the mornings and coming home early in the evenings. He is giving me more hands on support than some fathers do by a long shot but still... Today I really thought that I would throw up from the pelvic pressure if I didn't sit for just a few minutes but it was the middle of lunch and bringing in the groceries and Charlie was screaming for applesauce and the milk was out and I really had to shovel something in my mouth and I couldn't help but think of how nice it would be to let someone else have him for 6 hours a day. I very much sympathize with the plight of the working mother and it's not really something I would want to do but right this moment, nothing sounds better.

In addition, it recently occurred to me that the longest my "maternity leave" would last is 2 weeks. I spend a great deal of time being appalled at the US concept of appropriate maternity leave, especially when you pair it with the health initiative to dramatically increase breast feeding rates by 2010 but even the meanest leave is 6 weeks. I actually feel quite lucky that I will likely have my husband's help for 2 weeks and I am so glad I won't have to watch my newborn being cared for by others but there is a part of me that fervently wishes I had Charlie in day care and a maternity leave of 6 weeks coming up.

Of Corks and Coconuts

I am beginning to suspect that this baby will be here sooner rather than later and, at any rate, she is sure to be here in a little over a month. So, I've been reviewing my childbirth books. I'm hoping to go unmedicated. It's not for any particularly "crunchy" reason, I don't think I will be birthing myself as a woman or anything like that. I'm not looking for a feeling of empowerment. But, it does seem to be that you have 3 options about the pain of childbirth. You can frontload it with an unmedicated birth and while the labor and delivery process itself will be more intense you are also less likely to tear, more likely to use your muscles efficiently, and the whole thing is likely to be done faster- including the recovery afterwards. You can spread things out a bit with an epidural but you are likely to have a longer labor and may have more tearing and hemorrhoids and that sort of thing and that may cause the recovery to be somewhat longer. Finally, you can go the c-section route and the actual delivery is a breeze but, for me at least, it took a couple of weeks to really be up and about and much longer than that for my abdominal and back muscles to get back up to functional snuff. Of course, there are those poor souls with back labor, stalled labor, unmedicated for 30 hours and then a c-section labor and for you I offer up a toast and my deepest sympathies. Since I have Charlie to consider, I would really like to make this recovery as quick as possible so, I'm hoping for the unmedicated birth with the quick recovery. But, I also know I'm a bit of a wimp so, if an epidural or c-section are called for, so be it. At the end of the day, I would really like a baby. The rest is mere semantics as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, the popular way of dealing with contractions or, as some books called them, "expansions" (I refuse to even entertain the whole "life surges" terminology) is to visualize being a cork on a wave. While I appreciate the imagery in theory, every time I read it, I wince. It makes me think of rotting corks, corks mangled by corkscrews, cork floors with strong warnings about exposure to wetness, and an ancient pair of cork sole shoes I found that were scuffed and disintegrating. In addition, corks are little and ocean waves are huge. Corks can get lost, pummeled, buffeted, and broken. Charlie could easily break a cork into bits for heavens sake! I have come to the conclusion that I would much rather be a coconut. Coconuts want to wander around on the water. They look at the intense waves and say "Bring it on! I would like to go forth and multiply! I have an entire ocean of island to colonize!" Coconuts are strong and hardy- how many of us have stared at the whole coconut at the store and been tempted to buy but didn't because, for pete's sake, how will you get the thing open? I have no wish to be a wimpy, rotting, bobbing cork, I am much more the firm, stubborn coconut, waiting for the perfect beach.

Staying the Course

I had my first internal today. All is well although it looked a little dicey for a bit. I've been having quite a bit of contraction action today- just the sort of reassuring activity you want the day before your husband crosses the Atlantic. But, the OB did a fetal fibronectin test, which I had thought about requesting but was under the impression it wasn't a useful tool after 34 weeks, and it came back negative. Apparently, it can still give you the basic information about the likelihood of labor but there isn't a ton they do differently if it indicates that labor is likely so it's generally a moot point. However, in my case it was useful since we just really needed to know if my husband should get on a plane or not. The negative result means that while my uterus can contract away and my cervix can twinge to it's heart's content, there is almost no chance that there will be a delivery any time in the next one-two weeks. Plus, I'm only about 1 cm dilated so it looks like a frantic round of pack and clean won't be needed for a bit yet.

The OB also suspects that the baby might be breach but there's still a little wiggle room left so she could swing around. He also wasn't totally sure if he was feeling head or tail so, she might not even need to flip. I actually think he might be mistaken based on the movements I've been feeling but, eh, we'll see what comes of it.


In other news, I have managed to produce a sarcastic toddler. Charlie delights in saying "No!" and then grinning and doing whatever it was you just asked him about. For instance, you might ask him if he would like to turn out the light (a favorite of his) and he'll say "no" and then give you a big grin and start reaching for the switch. While part of me suspects this advanced humor combined with the fact that he still doesn't sleep through the night is sure to indicate that he must be gifted beyond belief (bad sleepers are gifted, you know) there is also a large part of me that wonders what sort of behavioral nightmare I have inadvertently incubated. Luckily, he still gives really good hugs.

First Internal

I have my 1st internal exam tomorrow. It's a little earlier than usual (36 weeks) because of my husband's trip. I'm really of two minds about the whole thing. I've definitely reached the stage of pregnancy where I'm mostly ready to just be done. The stretches and kicks are starting to be quite painful and having a little head burrow itself into my bladder on a semi-regular basis is starting to be less than thrilling. I feel a bit adrift compared to the other "experienced" mommies since I'm carrying so differently this time. It's impossible for me to compare the experiences and get any real clue beyond the most basic observations. I know my weight stabilized for about 2 weeks before I had Charlie but it had several stabilization prior to that as well. My babies seem to grow in fits and starts which is rather alarming until you get used to your weight suddenly going up by 2-4 pounds after no gaining at all for a couple of weeks. Penny started stealing my underwear shortly before I gave birth but I don't really want to use that as the definitive measure either. Other than that, there's really not much to go on. I know I feel like I'm just about stretched to capacity. I don't know what I would have done with a twin pregnancy! I haven't had the sensation of walking with a bowling ball between my legs but I have often felt that I needed to walk cautiously because my lower abdomen felt it was about to burst. It reminded me a lot of the walk you do once you are past the pee pee dance, past the shifting of the weight, when you desperately need to get to the bathroom but you know if there is ANY jostling at all, it will all be over.

At the same time that I am rather ready for the doctor to say that I am at 2-3 centimeters and it may be sometime in the next week or so (I highly doubt), this would be a most inconvenient time. My husband is still in the middle of teaching, our college student babysitters are gearing up for finals and all that the end of the semester brings and, while the vital tasks are mostly done there is still plenty left for me to finish up- not to mention the trip my husband plans to leave for on Tuesday...

It will be interesting no matter what the OB finds, though and I'll be sure to report back here. My mother keeps asking when the baby will be here. One would think that she of the 3 week late baby (my brother- I was delivered promptly on my due date) would understand better than most that babies come when they will come. I am tempted to give her my OB's number, sign a consent and let him hash it out with her the next time she asks.

Still Gestating...

So, I know posts have been scarce on the ground. The reasons numerous. My arms are getting too short to easily reach the keyboard when I hold my laptop on my lap which makes posting anything significant a bit of a pain. I'm spending a lot of my evening time in the tub and I have yet to actually try to use my computer while bathing. While this pregnancy feels significantly better in general due to all my physical therapy there is still a lot of discomfort involved as I near the end. This baby likes to hang out on my pelvic floor so floating her off is nice. And, my body seems to be objecting to the whole 20 pounds of pregnancy and 25 pounds of toddler I often am lugging around. I have high hopes for the wonders of my abs when all is said and done though. I also have the memory of our very dim dog Shirley at the moment. The other day, I went to the store with a grocery list and forgot that I had it half way through the trip- as in, I had been referencing it and everything for the first 15 minutes and then it just slipped my mind. I think at one point I even started to wish I had a list... I seem to remember this happened with Charlie as well. I can only hope that some day my memory will bounce back. So, anyway, I'll sit down to type and entry and then "oh, shiny!" and all hope is lost.

Charlie is starting to show some movement towards getting within spitting distance of sleeping through the night and taking a semi-reliable nap. I had rather assumed we would be father along the sleep journey by the time this new one got here but, alas.

Charlie does continue to be adorable if exceedingly inquisitive and busy. We went to toddler story time and as the rest of the babies sat hesitantly on their mother's laps, Charlie stole the hand puppet off the librarian's chair and then danced around the back of the room.

I'm rather nervous. My husband is traveling to Ireland next week for 5 days. He will return just as I turn to 35 weeks. We have babysitters lined up from 4-7 so I can get a break from toddler care. I am debating if we should see if we could get some coverage in the mornings as well. I think we'll be fine with the evenings if Charlie sleeps well and I can avoid carrying him too terribly much. He can walk (and run) quite well, the issue is getting him to go where you want him to. I have an OB appointment scheduled for the day before he leaves and he will cancel his trip if anything "exciting" is happening. I don't really expect the baby to be making an appearance in the next 2 weeks but the idea that there is any possibility that she will and my husband will be in Ireland at the time is terrifying. There is also just general concern about the variable which is Charlie. If he gets sick, clingy, his sleep routine gets thrown out of wack, ugh...

I have my baby announcements designed and supplies to do what can be done before the baby is born as well as supplies to make candy favors for the nursing staff at the hospital and staff at the OB's office (always be nice to those who make the appointments and hand out the drugs...) and hope to work on those during my Charlie free time next week. I'll post pictures when I've managed to accomplish anything of significance.

Let the Nesting Begin!

So, I have begun nesting in earnest. This last weekend I cooked a rather vast quantity of chicken with the intent of stocking the deep freeze with ready made meals for after the baby comes. We now have 5-6 meals worth of chicken nuggets, pre-seasoned and shredded chicken for quesadilas, and enough chicken soup to make me wonder if I will every actually feel like looking at a chicken again. The roomba is seeing plenty of action. I have 3 to-do lists wandering around the refrigerator and need to write at least 1 more. Baby announcement supplies have been bought (I make my own) and the ceiling fans still don't know what hit them.

I think my experience with Charlie is really shaping my behavior with the pregnancy. With Charlie, we had the whole tainted well/no water saga for the whole last 6 weeks of my pregnancy and then we didn't get water back until 36 hours before he was born. There were so many tasks that I didn't get to do that my hormonal self was aching for- food couldn't be cooked, dogs couldn't be washed, bathrooms couldn't get scrubbed. In addition, the whole element of Charlie coming right at week 37 threw everything off. While I was still thinking I had plenty of time, I soooo didn't. Who ever heard of a first baby being EARLY?

At the same time, I could be completely wrong, but I really think that there may be a purpose behind the frenzy. I struggle a lot with trusting myself when it comes to pregnancy. I knew in my heart the sex of my babies long before the ultrasounds. I strongly suspected I was pregnant with both babies long before a positive test ever appeared. In addition to "feelings," I think there is also a lot to intuition simply being your subconscious paying attention to and putting things together that your conscious mind doesn't for whatever reason. In my case, I began to suspect that I would go early with Charlie by the 33rd week. I remember suddenly realizing that my pregnancy symptoms were no longer lining up with the week I was in sometime in the 3rd trimester but instead a couple of weeks later. The clincher was when I figured out Charlie had dropped and it was only week 33. Much frantic reading confirmed that the longest that puts you away from labor is generally 4 weeks which would be... 37 weeks but I thought I simply must be mistaken. Over several days before Charlie was born, I noticed all manner of subtle changes- my joints seemed looser, I was far more irritable than previously, I kept getting these "twinges," and I had this driving urge to do tasks around the house- most notably cleaning the baseboards at 3 am with baby wipes since we still didn't have water. I continued to ignore the idea that labor was imminent up until my water actually broke.

In the same sort of vein, I feel somewhere deep down that this pregnancy is quickly moving along. Things just feel more scrunched than I would expect them to feel at this point, granted, I'm carrying this baby completely differently but still... The baby's movements feel much more cramped than I would expect and this baby is very low. I don't have the bowling ball between the legs feeling some women describe but I have been feeling pokes far below where I even though my uterus extended. My nesting urge is so very strong. I keep having to really make an effort to reign myself in. You just can't do a full deep cleaning of the kitchen if you are also expected to care for a very active toddler the next day. I haven't started to go after the baseboards yet but they are starting to call to me as are the obscure cleanings tasks that one generally doesn't think of. The air intake registers have begun to irritate me greatly and I have this insane urge to take 4 showers a day just so I can use up all the random bath products that are wandering about under my sink. Also, my underwear drawer is suddenly striking me as being ridiculously disorganized. It will be interesting to see when I actually deliver. My due date is May 17th, my early prediction was delivery on May 12th (Mother's Day) and my current goal is to have everything done by May 1st with all bets off starting then. Adding to my stress, my DH is traveling to Ireland in my 34th week. While we have an OB visit scheduled the day before he leaves to check nothing "exciting" is occurring and even I don't think I will deliver that early, there is a part of me that is very worried about the matter. Of course, with all this trepidation, preparation, and prediction, the baby will likely wind up coming sometime in early June...

Someday My Pants Will Fit

The intersection of nesting, staving off the panic of adding another person to my life, and the whole rid you life of what you don't need-ness that seems to go with the current zeitgeist has led me to my closet. I would desperately like to weed through my closet, pitching items willy-nilly. One would think it would be easy with the overflowing nature of it. However, I am stymied.

Shortly after we moved to Virginia (4 years or so ago) I noticed that I was rapidly gaining weight. I finally convinced my doctor that even a lifestyle change and move couldn't explain 20 pounds in less than 6 months. We established that I had a thyroid problem and, once properly medicated, the 20 pounds melted off. However, there was this whole period of time that I was suddenly 2 sizes larger than I had been.

As I was settling back into my normal weight, we took a trip to Hawaii. While I can understand why Hawaii is generally considered a paradise, we managed to go during a fluke hot spell in August. They don't have a/c in a lot of Hawaii because it's usually temperate and lovely but we spent most of the time being really hot. One might wonder why we didn't just hang out by the pool or go snorkeling. These foolish souls have not been properly indoctrinated to travel according to my husband. Guidebooks are poured over. Map are analyzed. Lists are made. Every point of interest will be seen and pictures taken or it just hasn't been a vacation, damn it! This meant that I spent 2 weeks mildly dehydrated and too hot to eat. 3 weeks after our return from Hawaii we left for Egypt. This caused stress and even less eating. We spent 2 months living in a dorm in Egypt and learned that cafeteria food the world over is cafeteria food. All of this led to more weight loss. In addition, since we were traveling a Muslim country, I needed to acquire clothing that allowed me to not offend the locals. My biggest goal during our visit to Egypt was to not get arrested.

Over the last 2 years I have been pregnant and/or lactating, necessitating all manner of additional clothing as well as blending in clothing from previous weight incarnations. Amazingly, at no point do any of my pants seem to properly fit. Maternity pants manage to go from a little loose/ please stay up to a bit snug/ please don't ride down in the blink of an eye. The post-partum belly is apparently not designed to actually fit anything for at least 3 months except, maybe, those maternity pants that never actually fit while you were pregnant. Your body finally wanders back to pre-baby weight but none of the weight is where it used to be so where you used to be snug you are now loose and where previously loose, you now resemble a woman of questionable virtue. I spend vast portions of my day hitching up, adjusting, and rolling cuffs (because, of course, petite women don't get pregnant).

Someday I will be done gestating, lactating, going on inadvertent deprivation diets, or having my body just go into a complete rebellion and my pants will actually fit and my closet will comfortably hold all of my clothing.

I can't wait.

Theme Songs

I am one of those people that seems to always have a song running through their head. I've been putting some thought into what songs I might like to have with me during labor with this new little person and it's got me thinking about personal theme songs.

I often think of "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate. The part that I focus on is the "I believe in miracles" line. I find it difficult to remain despondent in the face of this song and it's one that I often, often hummed to myself while teaching. Occasionally, I would even put it on and have my students dance around with me to it. It was excellent at snapping them out of particularly awful moods.



When I was pregnant with Charlie, I often thought of "Hello, Goodbye" by the Beatles. It was so appropriate for the whole situation. When he was born, I was saying hello to a whole new experience and goodbye to a former version of me. He was saying goodbye to the comfort of my womb and hello to all the many experiences of humanity. Once he was born and we really got to know him, the song fit even better. He is a very sweet natured boy but has a mind very much his own. He is quite willing to say "yes," when I say "no." And, the "hay laa" ending makes for a lovely lullaby.



With this pregnancy, it is "New Soul" by Yael Naim that runs through my head. I'm sure it has to do with the apple commercial but it also just seems so appropriate for her somehow. Whenever I hear it (in reality or just because it's running through my head), the closing scene of a movie runs through my head. It's one of those montage, clippy things where you see the baby born, a clip of the cake eating from the 1st birthday, learning to ride a bike, reading a book, and ending with her wedding scene. It makes me hope that should she be homosexual (unlikely but it would be foolish for me to ignore the possibility) that she will be a lipstick lesbian. I don't think I'll feel complete as a mother until I have wrestled with tulle rounds and jordan almonds far into the night. I keep wondering if her personality will wind up reflecting the wonderfully quirky cheerful quality of the song.



Finally, just because I like it, "In the Jungle" which makes a surprisingly good lullaby if sung a slightly slower tempo.

Ung...

Overall, I have found this pregnancy easier than the last. The physical therapy I diligently pursued seems to have done the trick in regards to keeping my pelvic bones where they belong. I've needed some periodic maintenance and there is still some pain but it is of a manageable variety rather than the agony of my last pregnancy. My morning sickness has generally subsided although there are occasional dicey moments. I didn't have so much in the way of contractions with Charlie but they are manageable and there has been much less insomnia with this pregnancy. So, had expected to cruise nicely into my 3rd trimester and feel reasonably human for the next month or so at least but I was wrong...

While I had heard that you tended to be more tired during a second pregnancy than the first, I had not realized the extent to which they meant. This is starting to be that rather soul sucking fatigue that I really thought would confine itself to weeks 8-12. It's when you want to take a nice relaxing bath but are worried about the likelyhood of accidental drowning. It's the sort of fatigue where you can have a 2 pound fetus sitting directly on your bladder and you begin to contemplate how much it would cost to replace the foam mattress pad because you are just soooo tired. Luckily for me, I have a very caring husband who finds his wife in hysterical tears more difficult to handle than getting up with Charlie in the middle of the night and so, I at least am only awakened by 1 child and really, there's no way he could field her needs anyway. Making the fatigue more frustrating is that I am also entering some hard core nesting urges- although, I still contend that it isn't so much nesting as a frantic attempt to fend off the mounting feeling of impeding doom. I'm finding the idea of 2 under 2 rather more terrifying as the day gets closer. I keep remembering the projects that I didn't quite manage to finish before Charlie's unexpectedly prompt arrival and how they then sat for the better part of a year. We have childproofing that is yet to be done and I have an unquenchable desire to dust the shoe cubbies in the closet- really, at 2 am, when I have insomnia, it takes actual effort to prevent myself from pulling out a duster and going to town.

And, my husband is in Finland for business. When we were discussing the trip in the fall, it didn't seem that it would be all that awful. I would only just be starting my 3rd trimester and I felt pretty good up until somewhere in the 8th month with Charlie. Now, it's causing nothing but anxiety. I just wasn't expecting to be quite this tired, quite this soon. I keep reminding myself that Charlie doesn't actually expect intelligence after 5 pm but I do have to try to read those pesky books at bedtime...

Due to some scheduling difficulties at other times, I am now to 2 week appointments. It gives you such a ridiculous feeling of accomplishment- sort of like when you finish a tube of toothpaste or a bottle of shampoo. So far, all looks well but I have the gestational diabetes test on Thursday and I failed the one hour last time for inexplicable reasons since I then passed the 3 hour with no difficulty. I'm hoping for the best but we'll see.

Am I the Only One...

Who has been half asleep, forgotten that she was pregnant, felt the baby moving around and wondered what in the world she ate to give her such odd gas?

Drive By...

So, we're traveling and that's really throwing off my mojo but I did LOVE this post by Julie because I have to say I thought the same thing but without nearly the witty graphics. Be sure to click the link to see what she wants them to branch out to.

I wish I were making this up by Julie

The Accidental Conservative

So, I consider myself to be very, very moderate with a healthy sprinkle of crunchy. We cloth diaper (well, my husband does and I do when I don't have an overactive gag reflex), we buy local and organic at least part of the time, we drive a hybrid car but we also vaccinate, I use an OB and have no interest in a home birth, I'm pretty sure Charlie will attend public school, etc. Yet, somehow over the last year I have managed to wander into any number of activities that are affiliated with the religious right.

I joined MOPs last year when I reached the point where I just had to get out of the house. It's somehow linked with Focus on the Family. It's an oblique link and I have had trouble finding anything on it's web site that spells it out but it's very much there. While a good portion of the programs are focused on things like discussions of quilting, ways to pamper yourself, etc, there are usually one or two talks that veer pretty heavily into realms that aren't so much on the neutral side. It's still a good way for me to meet other mommies, get a break from Charlie, and, for what you get, it's very reasonably priced but there are a few meetings that I am learning to skip.

Now, my husband and I have decided to attend Financial Peace University with a curriculum by Dave Ramsey. He doesn't spend huge amounts of time discussing faith but I think I can safely say that Jame Dobson would approve and they might even be buddies.

As a side note: No, we aren't drowning in debt or anything like that but we were raised with 2 very different philosophies of money management and this fell in our laps as a way that we can perhaps come to some middle ground about how best to go about things like budgeting. After 7.5 years of marriage, it doesn't appear that we've really gotten all that far on the issue on our own.

I joined diaper swappers the other week in hopes of finding some good deals on new itty, bitty diapers for our new itty, bitty person with an itty, bitty heinie! We generally use BumGenius, which are great. They are a one size diaper that technically fits from birth through when your child will probably be potty trained. But, I've heard that they can be a little bulky for newborns so we're looking into getting kissaluvs for the new little person to use at first. We've really liked our cloth experience. They save quite a bit of money, have helped a lot with Charlie's never ending diaper rash, and are much more environmentally friendly. They aren't nearly as much of a pain as I thought they would be in terms of washing and are as easy to use as disposables. Should you ever want to try them, we did the Try Cloth program through Jillian's Drawer's. It's fully refundable except for $10 and is a great way to get your feet wet. Anyway, so diaper swappers has a pretty large contingent of women who would probably self-identify as religious conservatives. It's one of those weird places where the really liberal, off the grid because they want to be one with nature collide with the really conservative, off the grid, make your own food, be ready for The End groups. I always find those intersections interesting if a bit bewildering since I really just wanted to get a good deal on kissaluvs.

Finally, broomhuggers, which I find to be a great resource for green cleaning tips posted a big anti-abortion post. I could see where they were coming from but it was still jarring to see abortion positions nestled between tips about how to use oregeno oil as a disinfectant and the controversy of if one should use dryer balls made from PVC that are reusable or dryer sheets that are disposable.

I am worried that soon I will manage to wander into a Huckabee rally and wind up with a picture of me shaking his hand.